My Relationship with God (and my Husband)

I think, before I go on with this blog, I should explain my personal relationship with God. Otherwise, I might later offend those who's relationship with Him is more formal.

From the beginning, age 4, I was taught that God is my Father. He was never put forth, by my parents, as the distant, omnipotent, unknowable God that many people believe Him to be. I was encouraged to talk to Him as often as possible, and listen for His answer. I was taught that He is interested in every tiny detail of our lives; that He is never too busy or too important to help us. In short, He is everything good that we would expect from an earthly father, only perfect and all-knowing.

Since I believe our view of a relationship with God is greatly affected by our relationship with our own fathers, I feel blessed that mine was a close and warm one, where advice and direction was lovingly given, and respectfully followed, for the most part. For those who did not have such a good relationship with their fathers, or none at all, please remember that our human fathers are fallible sinners just like us. We need to try to see past our earthly father's flaws and look at God as the perfect Father.

What would we expect of a perfect father? If we needed advice or guidance, what earthly father would refuse? Much more so would our heavenly Father be there for us if we asked Him. If we were upset or angry, wouldn't an ordinary father comfort and soothe with just the right words when we need them? So does our almighty Father. When we go astray, haven't our fathers disciplined us and shown us right from wrong? Well, we can expect to hear from God the Father, likewise. And when we, as little children, are being good, and we sweetly ask our fathers for a gift, or something nice we have been longing for, do they not often give in with a smile, and indulge us? Our infinitely loving and generous Father in Heaven is capable of giving us the world, and He promises He will withhold no good thing from those who obey Him. Such is my experience with Him.

When I was very young, I held close to Him. I listened to Him, and struggled to do right. As a young (and stupid) adult, I rebelled, and ran away from Him for a time. A year later, I looked up to Him from the deep pit of despair that had become my life, and plead with Him to take me back under His wing. I handed my life over to Him - though only partially. I was still far from what I should have been, after that. I was sinful, though not as bad as I had been. I lived life my own way, and I was only listening half-heartedly to His direction.

You see, there was an obstacle in my life that made it difficult to serve God as I should. Sadly, it was my own husband. He is not a Christian, but that wasn't so much the problem as was my wanting to serve him rather than God. If God told me to do something or say something to my husband, I would hesitate while I determined whether or not it was something my husband would be okay with. If I thought it would upset, anger, or even mildly bother my husband, I just wouldn't do it. I tailored my entire life around pleasing my husband, who became increasingly harder to please. As the years went by, I grew more and more obsequious to my husband, and he grew more and more tyrannical. It actually got so bad that I couldn't even speak to him about anything beyond the indifferent chit-chat of "how was work?" and "what would you like for dinner?", without raising his ire. He seemed perpetually angry and thought I could do no right. At the least sign of imperfection on my part (and who among us is ever perfect?) he would lash out in a rage, to the point of becoming dangerous. And, lest you think I am exaggerating the situation, a couple of examples will set that to right.

Once, I forgot to bid on an auction on EBay. (Hubby likes to bid in the last 30 seconds or so, and insists that I do the same. Sorry if I've ever "sniped" you.) The item went for very little money to someone else. In spite of the fact that I had bid successfully for him many times before, and had already won 3 other items for him, identical to this one, my husband went crazy with anger over it. He was cussing as loudly as he could, punching the walls, and breathing so heavily he wheezed. All this time he is yelling horrible things about me that I cannot repeat, but my children remember it all very clearly, and it frightens them to this day. (If I forget and say the words "Daddy won't be happy", about something I did, they immediately start to cry.) The next day I found the same item, in better condition, for half that price, and bought it for him, but there was never a thank you or an apology.

Another time, I got tired (after 11 years) of living with the 32 gallon, lidless garbage can in our kitchen. It took forever to fill, looked awful and smelled worse. I was never physically able to take out the trash, so I had to wait for hubby to do it. My kitchen never felt clean. I bought a $15 replacement that I could handle; 13 gallons with a flippy lid. I thought he would like it, even though he had bought the one we had. Well, of course, he didn't. In fact, he went crazy again, this time using it as an excuse to prevent me from home schooling the boys, buying anything for our son's birthday, or ever visiting my parents. He also forbid me to ever go grocery shopping again, use the phone or the computer, or even allow the children to eat fruit. (When you figure out what all that has to do with buying a trash can, you let me know.) God told me to ignore what my husband was doing, but it was hard. Obviously, trying to please your husband instead of God is not a good idea. Eventually hubby forgot most of what he said, but he never apologized.

God took me in hand one day, and flatly told me to stop trying to please my husband. He told me to tell him I wasn't going to care anymore whether he was happy or not; that I was only going to seek to please God, and if he didn't like it, too bad. It sounded harsh to me, so I wrote it in a letter, handed it to him and ran. Hubby didn't seem to know how to take it. He acted as though he had lost something, but didn't know what it was. Things were better for a while. God kept stirring the pot, however, and gave me things to tell my husband. None of it was pleasant, except when God would have me tell hubby that He loved him, and wanted him to be His. My husband is better now than he was. He is wonderful some days, but still terrible on others.

This is how things have been going since then. I have been following God like a duckling follows its mother. God has given me a path to tread, and I know, vaguely, what is at the end of it. I can't see the path, however, and He only shines His light on the next step I am to take, rather than showing me where it goes. I have to trust Him completely, or I won't get anywhere. It was very hard at first, but mostly only because I was afraid of my husband. I'm not anymore, and it has become almost easy to do as He says. Now the steps are coming fast and furious. It is practically a sprint to the finish. God hasn't exactly shown me the path, but he has shown me general direction it takes, and has pointed out the mile markers. He has given me my next several steps all at once. This blog is a part of one of them.