Miscarriage and Blessings

It has been years since I blogged anything. I'm a busy lady, with two home-schooled kids, and I don't often feel I have anything to give to the world. However, recent circumstances have changed that.

My husband and I were trying for a baby. And in July, we were blessed to discover we were indeed expecting in mid April. I was over-the-moon thrilled, and so was my husband. I did all the usually expectant-mother things, like taking a keen interest in my diet and environment, seeing to it that all was as healthy as could be for the sake of my little one. And I went out and bought baby things, like a tub, and some clothes from a swap meet. We had one appointment with the OB, at 7 weeks, and all was well. I became REALLY tired after that, and needed 12 hours of sleep per night, plus naps. Not only that, I was always nauseated. It was brutal. But, I didn't mind, so long as my baby was healthy and growing.

I was excited but nervous by the time my second OB appointment rolled around this past Wednesday. All of my symptoms had vanished, but I was in hopes that it was because I was nearing the end of the 3rd trimester, at 11 1/2 weeks. I supposed to get to hear the heartbeat. I brought my sons along (ages 7 and 10), because my husband had to sleep. So they were there to witness the doctor frantically searching for the heartbeat for a good 20-25 minutes. (He was determined.) When he gave up, it was only to send me running to get an ultrasound done. Actually they did two of them. And while they informed me that they couldn't tell me anything until they talked to the doctor... and my boys saw the baby on the screen, giving me the "thumbs up" sign when they saw the little arms and legs and such... the tech/nurse's face told me all I didn't want to know. She looked like a woman who was about to have to inform a worried, expectant mother that her baby had no heartbeat.

I was heartbroken, but not at all surprised when she told me the news. She sent me back to my doctor, who told me that I could wait and see if I miscarried naturally, or have a D&E to get it taken care of right away. I have an unreasonable fear of being sedated or knocked out... so I opted for the natural method. He told me I had a month to see if my body would handle it. I won't need a month... My body, once it got the "go ahead" from my brain, began right away. I'm not done yet, the worst is yet to come.

But that's not really what I wanted to write about. Instead this is really about the blessings in it. I know, you're asking, how can a woman who only just found out about her baby's death, a mere 4 days ago, be talking about blessings in miscarriages? How can there be any blessing in it? And four days ago, I would have asked you the same thing. But God is good, and He loves us so much, that He can and does comfort and bless us, even in the midst of what we think of as hell. Let me explain...

The day this all began was difficult for my whole, little family. I couldn't even tell my husband what happened, because I couldn't stop crying long enough to talk. I had to point, and let him guess the worst. Then, he cried with me. My older son cried too, trying to be strong, but finding it impossible.My younger son, however, handled it differently. He focused on me, comforting me whenever and however he could. God chose to use him, and I am so thankful He did. Now, I know my 7 year old son, Ian; how he thinks, what he knows, and how he talks. None of what follows came from his mind. I know it can only have come from God.

Ian came up to me, early on, and gave me a hug, and told me it would be okay. This much I expected... but then he said that God couldn't let the baby come out just yet. Then he said, "Remember so-and-so's friend? He had to have open heart surgery." (Now, this is everything he knows about this subject - that one sentence. But he went on...) "Our baby had a bad heart. And if she had been born, she would have been in and out of hospital, having surgery after surgery. You wouldn't want to have to watch your baby go through that, would you? No. So, God is holding her in His arms right now, and she's just fine. And she'll COME BACK TO YOU. (My emphasis) She'll be the SAME BABY, but with a better body and a stronger heart."

This from a seven year old? That was God putting the words in Ian's heart, to give to me, to comfort me; and I took it. My baby isn't gone, she's just waiting, in God's loving arms, and she'll come back to me when God sends her.

Now, I'm not special. This means that I'm not alone in this. Miscarriages are apparently not the same as the death of an older person. Their soul never got a chance to live, so they simply go back to God, and come back to us a little later on, if we get pregnant again. If you've suffered a miscarriage, or even multiple miscarriages... your baby is not lost, or gone forever. If you had a baby after your miscarriage, that is the baby you miscarried, back where he or she belongs. If you are trying again, know that the little one you are going to have, IS the one you "lost".

Now, this was comforting enough, on it's own. However, after that, God gave me more.

Consider this... What mother, seeing her child in pain, or terribly ill, has not begged God to be allowed to take their pain, and carry their burden for them? Well, we, who have had a miscarriage, have been given that gift. We have to suffer a terrible pain, but our baby does not. We have taken it from them, and bore it ourselves. And we will still get to have them with us later on, but healthier and stronger. This is an amazing blessing, that I can recognize even in the midst of my suffering, and I thank God for every moment of pain that I am bearing for my child.

So, crazy as it sounds... a miscarriage is one of the greatest of blessings, even while it feels like one of the greatest of heartbreaks. I've often wondered how it is possible to thank God in the midst of a trial. Now I know.

The Meaning of Love: Part 1

Scripture says we should not be unequally yoked... 2 Corinthians 6:14 - Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

Scripture also says that if two people do not agree, they cannot walk together... Amos 3:3 - Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

I mention these things, because it struck me this evening why marriages fail so often today. We seem to have gotten the idea, somewhat recently in the context of world history, that marriages should be based on feelings. We call it "love". But feelings are fickle things, and sway easily with the wind,... or hormones. It's nearly impossible to withstand the pressures of daily living, and the stresses of inevitable changes and traumas, with our feeling and emotion unchanged. People are so fallible, that even without those things we are liable to falter at some point and slip "out of love" or into something else.

Marriages, or any relationships really, which are based in feelings and emotions are bound to fail at some point. I know that is not a popular stance to be taking. Nearly everyone today, when speaking of love, (new love, romantic love, ageless and eternal love, heart-felt love) speaks of their feelings. And marriages, all agree, should be based on love. So how is it that I could be saying that marriage should not be based on those feelings? It's because I believe we have the meaning of "love" all wrong.

Look up the word "love" in the dictionary and you will find 6 or 7 variations on a theme. Love as a case of the warm fuzzies, or a lustful passion, or a marriage inducing attraction. However, feelings are inward, passive things. They only truly affect us. If love is just a feeling, as the dictionary says, then we cannot "love" anyone, we can only feel love for them. Why then would the Bible command us to love others as ourselves? Does God wants us to be affectionate with everyone? Many people are depressed and don't have warm fuzzy feelings for themselves. Are they only then required to like people a little bit?

Perhaps that's not what was meant at all. Perhaps love is mainly a verb, an action. We use it that way don't we? "I kiss you; I hug you; I love you." What are we doing when we "love" someone? This, I believe, is where most people fall apart. When people today think of love as a verb, their minds tend to fall into the gutter. The gutter may be clean swept, being kept in the context of the marriage bed, but it's still not what was intended when scripture used "love" as a verb. Take that meaning away, and people seem to flounder. How do we "love" our enemy? How do we love our neighbor as ourselves? I hear those questions all the time. They hear those verses, and they are at a loss as to what to do. They say, "I don't feel it", or, "I can't love them, God will have to love them for me". If we didn't insist on love being just a feeling, we wouldn't have these issues. If we took love to be an action, something we do, we wouldn't have these questions.

So, then, if love is an action, a verb, something we do; what is it? How do we love? Love is described eloquently in scripture,... 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

However, most people know those lines and still couldn't tell you what they were commanded to do. I couldn't either, not too long ago. But, I asked God about it, and He told me about love, a while back. Love can be boiled down to one single word. Love is sacrifice. If you love anything, or anyone, you will sacrifice something for it or them. How much you are willing sacrifice indicates the degree of your love. John 15:12-14 - This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. (For children, love is obedience, which is still sacrifice really, since they must give up what they wish to do, in order to obey. We, as God's children, love God (sacrifice to Him) by our obedience to Him.) God loved us so much, He sacrificed His only Son. Abraham loved God so much that he was willing to sacrifice Isaac.

So, to love our enemies (or anyone else), is to think of them first, instead of how we feel, or what we want. This negates any possibility of revenge or spite, or any number of other sins we might be prone to.

So what does this mean for marriages? To some it will be obvious, for others, I'll save that for part 2.

God is Faithful

It has been a very long time since my last post. I've been pretty busy living life. Homeschooling 2 little boys and trying to learn how to keep a clean house take up a lot of time. Actually, I have even less time now, but I feel compelled to write, to share what God has been doing in my life recently.

On Thanksgiving Day, in 2007, we were in a car crash on our way to dinner. Our car was totalled, but no one was even slightly injured. The man who hit us (didn't see the red light and T-boned our car) was very sweet, and very upset, even though no one was hurt. My husband was angry, but he said nothing, thankfully. I assured the man that he had not ruined any one's Thanksgiving, and that everything was okay. He did not accept that, however, and insisted on giving us some money to make up for it. I highly doubt he had any more money than we do, and we're living hand-to-mouth, as it were. I couldn't talk him out of it, and honestly, since we had no money to replace our car, I was truly grateful for it.

A little while later, then, he gave us $1,000. With the insurance we got, it would make a decent sum to be able to get a used car. We had an old car (an 89 Camry) that wasn't running, that DH wanted to fix, but I didn't want that, I wanted something safer and more reliable. Admittedly, looking back, I was wrong to insist on a different car. The Camry, while it shakes like crazy when idling and doesn't want to shift into fourth, is drivable. However, I wanted a Volvo station wagon I had seen online for exactly the amount we had to spend. Volvo's are safe, if nothing else. So, we were about to go look at it, when my husband's temper unexpectedly took a serious turn for the worse. He was frightening to say the least. He said some things I will not repeat, and I felt quite unsafe. That night, at God's prompting, I fled with the boys, first to a shelter, and then, when it became clear that the shelter was a fast-track to divorce (they were pushy and demanding to say the least) I fled from there to my parents' house in Tennessee. I did NOT want a divorce. I just wanted DH to see the situation in as serious a light as I did, and turn himself around. That, he eventually did, and just before Christmas, we went back home to him.

This was the beginning of a new chapter in our marriage apparently. While the "honeymoon" feeling of being back together after such a separation wore off not long afterwards, he hasn't once shown signs of returning to the kind of behavior he had grown accustomed to in the past. He seems to have himself under control. He also appreciates me more now than ever, and has a modicum of respect for me. Not much though. He still says that whoever earns the living makes ALL of the decisions for the family. He is neither exaggerating, nor joking when he says that. He means it fully, and repeats it frequently, lest I forget "my place" and try to do something ...Which leads me to the most recent changes.

We live in, what used to be, a quiet suburban neighborhood. Our house sits in a cul-de-sac where our children love to play with the many other children who live here. However, things are changing at a pace that is difficult to grasp, and are changing for the worse.

Due to the neighborhood's location, within walking distance of just about any place anyone would want to go, realtors here say they cater to a certain type of buyer. Illegal aliens. I know, some will be taken aback that I dare to mention them in the context of a neighborhood going downhill, but I am merely stating a fact. (I'm not the politically correct type anyway.) Realtors prefer to sell houses in my neighborhood to illegal aliens. Frankly, I didn't even know it was possible for them to buy a house here. Perhaps one of the adults in the house is legal, and they make the purchase, while everyone else in the house is illegal. I don't know. All I do know is, that is who lives here. The realtors claim it is because the vast majority of them have no license to drive. Regardless, as houses sell, one by one, over the years, the demographics of the neighborhood have changed. English speakers are now in the minority here. My sons only have one friend with whom they can communicate, though that doesn't seem to hinder them at all. They play with everyone.

Most of the people who live here are wonderful people, regardless of their status. I have spent a great deal of time with one neighbor, and have been teaching her english. They all take very good care of their property, and are very hard workers. So, in all honesty, I can't complain about them. But there is one house, directly across the street from ours, that gives me concern.

In all, about 20 people live in the 3 bedroom, 1 bath, house directly across from us. They are known gangsters. One of them is the leader of one of the local gangs, and about 5 or 6 more males in the house are members. The females may be members too, but I cannot be certain. They are covered in gang tattoos, wear "colors", and deal cocaine, heroin, and marijuana in the street. Sometimes the drugs end up in my yard, or another neighbor's, but thankfully, none of our children have been hurt by them. The police have been called many times, but they never do anything. When they come, it is usually several hours, or even days, too late to catch them at anything.

One night, nearly 2 weeks ago, I was poking about online when I heard popping noises. I ran to the window and peeped out. To my shock, a large number of people were running around screaming in Spanish and bashing car windows, and people's heads, with baseball bats. Other neighbors said they saw guns, though I don't believe any were fired. None-the-less, it was terrifying. I called the police. They came, but too late to catch anyone. The gangsters told the police they had a clash at a party, and were followed home. That was only partly true. The "party" was a 4-year-old's christening. A rival gang had found out about it somehow, and had crashed it, destroying the place. The people from my neighborhood had retaliated by smashing the other gang's cars. So they came here to retaliate back.

According to the people across the street, it is a turf war, and the rival gang said they wouldn't rest till they (my neighbors) were all dead or gone. Far from leaving, my neighbors are gearing up for war. They have pulled out all of the bushes and trees in their yard, so as to have a clear view of the street, and have ramped up their gang activity. I've seen more drug deals and gang get-togethers this past week than I've seen in all the years they've been here.

In spite of all this, my husband is unconcerned. He doesn't believe (or at least he says he doesn't believe) that it will ever happen again, much less get worse. He believes we are perfectly safe, and that, if we aren't safe, we couldn't possibly be safer anywhere else in the country. He says the risk is the same, whether we're here or out in the country on a farm. I cannot agree. I believe we are risking our very lives to stay here. If the rival gang returns, and with guns, our neighbors may fire at them. If they do, their guns will be pointed right at our front windows. Any stray bullets will hit our house, at the very least, and perhaps even us. I believe we MUST move. DH says we will divorce first; an interesting remark considering our former separation. When I pointed out my concerns and asked him to allow us to move away from here, he refused, and stated again that the one who earns the money is the one who gets to make all the decisions.

At first, this was a source of great stress for me. However, God soon took me in hand, and led me in the right direction. He reminded me that I am to let my husband make the rules we are to live by. Then He told me what I am to do. Right now I am preparing my house for sale, cleaning, painting, repairing, replacing wherever necessary. Once the house is ready, I will take the boys and go to Tennessee, where my parents live. There I will work for my father to become the one who earns all the money for our family, hence "earning" the right to make all the decisions for our family. (I have more income potential there than my DH has here.) My husband will then have the decision to make just for himself. He can sell the house and move to where we are, or he can stay here. He would have to quit his job in order to make the move, but I will be supporting the family, so there will be no urgency for him to get another job. I have already found the ideal place out there, for him as well as the rest of us. I told DH about the plan, but he refuses (naturally) to help at all. I'll have to do everything myself, but I know it can and will be done. God wills it. (Yay! My promised home in Tennessee, near my parents, is nearly mine!)

Lest you think that this is me making God's promise happen, I will tell you... Of anyone I have ever known, I am the LEAST capable of accomplishing this feat of moving our family. I am the last person to want to try this on my own. I am disorganized and lazy. I am scatterbrained, easily discouraged, and timid. As I have told DH, if this goes off without a hitch, we can give all the glory to God for it, since we both know I certainly couldn't and didn't do it myself. Which, I believe, is God's intention. God is truly faithful!

5 Lessons in Waiting

I am NOT a patient person. I want to say that right at the beginning, because people tell me I am. "Oh, you're such a patient person", they say, "I could never put up with what you go through". Nonsense. I'm probably the least patient person I know. But I am learning. God is seeing to that. He wouldn't bother if I already was so patient.

The dictionary definition of "patient" is accepting pains or hardships calmly or without complaint. Broken down into Webster's terms, patience is:

1. bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2. manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3. not hasty or impetuous
4. steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5. able or willing to bear -- used with of

(Oddly, I don't see "able to wait without grumbling" in there anywhere. I would have thought most people considered the ability to wait calmly as being the primary definition of patience.)

I can say that I am patient in many ways. I put up with a great deal more than most would in relationships and otherwise. I am not annoyed by drudgery. One would think I was patient all around, but I cannot stand to wait. It's not even the waiting on people that irks me. Long lines, lateness, delays, none of these bother me when people are to blame. No, only waiting on God frustrates me. Waiting on "God's good time" is something I can hardly bear. I guess because I tend to believe God could just make it His good time, and then I wonder why does He wait?

Unfortunately, God in His wisdom, has determine that the best way to teach a person patience in waiting, is to make them wait. The waiting can't end until the lesson is learned. It may not be that He makes you keep waiting for the same thing for years on end, if that's how long it takes, but you'll be waiting on something, nonetheless.

But patience isn't the only lesson to be learned from having to wait. I know because God explained to me just a week or two ago exactly why I am being forced to wait on some things He has promised me. He said I have 5 lessons to learn, and they are all learned by waiting on Him. Yes, it turns out He has been trying to teach me these same 5 lessons my entire life, but I never learned them.

God is sharp-witted... and He's patient. He knows how to wait, letting us choose to obey Him or not, until we are truly ready to learn something. Then, when we are so desperate we are begging Him for help, He lays it out so beautifully before us, a clear and attainable goal, that we cannot help but accept it. We are eager to learn.

Of course it would be better if this were not necessary. We should just seek His guidance in all things from the beginning, and do as He says. Human nature, however, seems to rule, at least part of the time, in most of us. We say we want Him to lead us, and then we go and do our own thing. I have been this way most of my life. Finally, after all this time He has decided I was ready for my big lesson. This is a make or break deal for me, I know. Either I give in to Him fully, and learn these 5 lessons, or I continue on my usual path of failure for all time. I don't believe for an instant that I am getting yet another chance on this one.

These 5 lessons aren't just for me though. They are something everyone would greatly benefit from learning. It's just that God has decided this is something I particularly need. I don't disagree with Him. So, what are the 5 lessons to be learned from waiting?

They are:

1. Trust and Rely on God - This simply means that you believe what God says, and you don't ever doubt Him. God never lies, so if He says He'll do something, He will. We have to rely on Him to do it in His good time, however, and not try to force the issue by trying to make things happen on our own. I have a long and sad history of doing just that. Let me tell you, the messes I have created for myself should have been lesson enough, but that never stopped me from doing it again.
2. Be Content and Appreciate - We need to learn to be content with what we have, and not feel like if we only had such-and-such or if only this or that would happen, well, then we'd be happy. No, we need to be happy and bloom where we are planted. We must learn to be good stewards of what we have been given as well. God won't allow you to have a nicer home, or more children, or a new car, if you don't take care of and appreciate what you already have. The parable of the talents is a good illustration of that.
3. Be Patient and Anticipate - We need to learn to wait and endure the current situations, whatever they are, without grumbling or getting angry. (Believe me, if you are, you are not really angry or frustrated with the situation. You are angry and frustrated with God, because we all know He is capable of making changes, and tend to wonder why He hasn't done this or that for us yet. This is selfishness... and it is saying, really, that we don't believe God will keep His word. Otherwise, why the impatience with One so perfect?) In fact, we are to look forward to whatever God is going to do in our lives with all of the joyful anticipation of a little child at Christmas. We should be filled with delight, all starry-eyed and excited.
4. Prepare - If we truly believe God will do as He says, we should be acting on it. If He promises you something, you must make sure you are ready to recieve it. If you don't pack for a trip, aren't you saying you don't really believe you'll be going anywhere? Well, the same goes for preparing for anything else. If God promises that you will have many guests for dinner, then you had better get cooking! This is really an outward expresion of faith, and (like the other 3 lessons) goes hand in hand with lesson 5...
5. Be an Example - We need to let others see God working in our lives, both through us and for us. If we don't, (if we hide our light under a bushel, as it were,) we are stifling a golden opportunity for God to show His love and faithfulness to His children. God doesn't want to bless just you. He wants to bless everyone. One of the best ways He reaches others is through us, His close followers. If an unsaved person hears you say how God is going to bless you, and then they see it for themselves, what an impact that can have! Even those who are saved, but lukewarm, can be reached this way. They have determined for themselves that God isn't interested in them; or there's nothing to be gained by following Him. If they can see God taking care of you, in way they've only dreamed of, then you can be instrumental in drawing them closer to Him. Who wouldn't want to do that? Then, of course, there's the most direct... being an example to other close followers who just haven't learned the lessons yet themselves. It is so much easier and more pleasant to learn from someone else's mistakes and triumphs.

Five lessons... They seemed so simple and obvious to me, once He told me about them. But I have already struggled for decades with them. I am determined now to learn them once and for all. I know for a fact, that I can't do it myself. God has to do it for me. "None of me, Lord, none of me. It's all You." I await His blessed help and His promises with a thrill in my heart.

My Relationship with God (and my Husband)

I think, before I go on with this blog, I should explain my personal relationship with God. Otherwise, I might later offend those who's relationship with Him is more formal.

From the beginning, age 4, I was taught that God is my Father. He was never put forth, by my parents, as the distant, omnipotent, unknowable God that many people believe Him to be. I was encouraged to talk to Him as often as possible, and listen for His answer. I was taught that He is interested in every tiny detail of our lives; that He is never too busy or too important to help us. In short, He is everything good that we would expect from an earthly father, only perfect and all-knowing.

Since I believe our view of a relationship with God is greatly affected by our relationship with our own fathers, I feel blessed that mine was a close and warm one, where advice and direction was lovingly given, and respectfully followed, for the most part. For those who did not have such a good relationship with their fathers, or none at all, please remember that our human fathers are fallible sinners just like us. We need to try to see past our earthly father's flaws and look at God as the perfect Father.

What would we expect of a perfect father? If we needed advice or guidance, what earthly father would refuse? Much more so would our heavenly Father be there for us if we asked Him. If we were upset or angry, wouldn't an ordinary father comfort and soothe with just the right words when we need them? So does our almighty Father. When we go astray, haven't our fathers disciplined us and shown us right from wrong? Well, we can expect to hear from God the Father, likewise. And when we, as little children, are being good, and we sweetly ask our fathers for a gift, or something nice we have been longing for, do they not often give in with a smile, and indulge us? Our infinitely loving and generous Father in Heaven is capable of giving us the world, and He promises He will withhold no good thing from those who obey Him. Such is my experience with Him.

When I was very young, I held close to Him. I listened to Him, and struggled to do right. As a young (and stupid) adult, I rebelled, and ran away from Him for a time. A year later, I looked up to Him from the deep pit of despair that had become my life, and plead with Him to take me back under His wing. I handed my life over to Him - though only partially. I was still far from what I should have been, after that. I was sinful, though not as bad as I had been. I lived life my own way, and I was only listening half-heartedly to His direction.

You see, there was an obstacle in my life that made it difficult to serve God as I should. Sadly, it was my own husband. He is not a Christian, but that wasn't so much the problem as was my wanting to serve him rather than God. If God told me to do something or say something to my husband, I would hesitate while I determined whether or not it was something my husband would be okay with. If I thought it would upset, anger, or even mildly bother my husband, I just wouldn't do it. I tailored my entire life around pleasing my husband, who became increasingly harder to please. As the years went by, I grew more and more obsequious to my husband, and he grew more and more tyrannical. It actually got so bad that I couldn't even speak to him about anything beyond the indifferent chit-chat of "how was work?" and "what would you like for dinner?", without raising his ire. He seemed perpetually angry and thought I could do no right. At the least sign of imperfection on my part (and who among us is ever perfect?) he would lash out in a rage, to the point of becoming dangerous. And, lest you think I am exaggerating the situation, a couple of examples will set that to right.

Once, I forgot to bid on an auction on EBay. (Hubby likes to bid in the last 30 seconds or so, and insists that I do the same. Sorry if I've ever "sniped" you.) The item went for very little money to someone else. In spite of the fact that I had bid successfully for him many times before, and had already won 3 other items for him, identical to this one, my husband went crazy with anger over it. He was cussing as loudly as he could, punching the walls, and breathing so heavily he wheezed. All this time he is yelling horrible things about me that I cannot repeat, but my children remember it all very clearly, and it frightens them to this day. (If I forget and say the words "Daddy won't be happy", about something I did, they immediately start to cry.) The next day I found the same item, in better condition, for half that price, and bought it for him, but there was never a thank you or an apology.

Another time, I got tired (after 11 years) of living with the 32 gallon, lidless garbage can in our kitchen. It took forever to fill, looked awful and smelled worse. I was never physically able to take out the trash, so I had to wait for hubby to do it. My kitchen never felt clean. I bought a $15 replacement that I could handle; 13 gallons with a flippy lid. I thought he would like it, even though he had bought the one we had. Well, of course, he didn't. In fact, he went crazy again, this time using it as an excuse to prevent me from home schooling the boys, buying anything for our son's birthday, or ever visiting my parents. He also forbid me to ever go grocery shopping again, use the phone or the computer, or even allow the children to eat fruit. (When you figure out what all that has to do with buying a trash can, you let me know.) God told me to ignore what my husband was doing, but it was hard. Obviously, trying to please your husband instead of God is not a good idea. Eventually hubby forgot most of what he said, but he never apologized.

God took me in hand one day, and flatly told me to stop trying to please my husband. He told me to tell him I wasn't going to care anymore whether he was happy or not; that I was only going to seek to please God, and if he didn't like it, too bad. It sounded harsh to me, so I wrote it in a letter, handed it to him and ran. Hubby didn't seem to know how to take it. He acted as though he had lost something, but didn't know what it was. Things were better for a while. God kept stirring the pot, however, and gave me things to tell my husband. None of it was pleasant, except when God would have me tell hubby that He loved him, and wanted him to be His. My husband is better now than he was. He is wonderful some days, but still terrible on others.

This is how things have been going since then. I have been following God like a duckling follows its mother. God has given me a path to tread, and I know, vaguely, what is at the end of it. I can't see the path, however, and He only shines His light on the next step I am to take, rather than showing me where it goes. I have to trust Him completely, or I won't get anywhere. It was very hard at first, but mostly only because I was afraid of my husband. I'm not anymore, and it has become almost easy to do as He says. Now the steps are coming fast and furious. It is practically a sprint to the finish. God hasn't exactly shown me the path, but he has shown me general direction it takes, and has pointed out the mile markers. He has given me my next several steps all at once. This blog is a part of one of them.

Recognizing God's Voice

The most important thing to know about God's speaking to you, is how to recognize His voice. Depending on the person and their background, people often either don't believe God can speak to us at all, or that He wouldn't bother to speak to us insignificant sinners, or they put limits on how He can speak to us. This does not actually limit Him, but it diminishes our ability to discern His voice. God speaks to all of us, and quite often. However, most of us have also not been taught how to recognize it.

People who are looking to hear from God tend to ask what He sounds like. I cannot tell you exactly what He sounds like, simply because He is God and has no limits (other than the self-limitations of what He will not do.) If He chooses to use a burning bush, or a booming voice, or a strong feeling, then He does. There's no way I could know how He chooses to talk to everyone else. I can only say how He speaks to me. Though I can also say that others hear Him the same way.

God speaks to me, mostly, as an inner voice. I can all too easily drown Him out with music (of any sort), television, other people, my own thoughts, et cetera. Other times, he speaks to me as a strong feeling of "this is right", or "this is wrong". I often pray at such times, just to be sure that it is His guidance, and not my own desires that compel me. Many times He uses other people. On very rare occasions, He will speak to me in a dream (only once) or in a vision (only twice).

But, one might ask, how do you know that it was God that spoke?

The best way to answer that, first requires me to remind you that, God is not the only one who speaks to us. We all know we have our own inner voices, which are eager to selfishly put forward our own interests. More importantly, we must realize that Satan speaks to us. He speaks to us just as often as, if not more often than, God does (depending on whether or not we give him a willing audience.) One time we can count on him to show up is immediately after God speaks to us. He wants to convince us not to follow God, so Satan, being a liar, pretends that he doesn't speak to us, but pretends to be our own voice or pretends to be God Himself.

Therefore, it becomes a question, not of whether or not anyone spoke, but who. As with every other question we have, the answer is readily found in scripture. Whenever someone speaks to us, they are, in one fashion or another, imparting wisdom. We must determine, therefore, from where is the wisdom derived?

James 3: 17 - But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

That verse alone will cover anything you ever hear from anyone. God will never do or say anything that runs contrary to scripture. If what you hear doesn't fit with James 3:17, then it didn't come from God. It really is that simple.

God Speaks

I think the first thing I should mention is that God speaks to me. (Might as well just get that right out into the open.) To some, that will be taken as a given. To others, it will seem to be blasphemy. To the rest, it may need more explanation.

When I was saved, at the age of 4, I was never told that God didn't speak to people like people spoke to people. I had heard all sorts of Old Testament stories where God said such-and-such to so-and-so. It hadn't happened to me, but then I also didn't think it wouldn't.

So, one day, when I couldn't find my favorite doll, Elizabeth, I went to my mother for help. I suppose she was too busy to go looking all over the house, and through my messy room for a doll, so she simply said, "Ask God, He knows where she is."

Being an innocent and straightforward child, I immediately looked at the ceiling (something I never do now) and asked, "God? Where is Elizabeth?". The answer came as I believed it would. "She's on the floor of your closet, where you left her."

Now, I've told this story to others, and it usually gets the same reaction - Eye-rolling disbelief. It seems that God is supposed to be too big, important, and busy to bother helping a little girl find her missing doll. But at that age, I hadn't heard that, so, I simply believed. From then on, I spoke freely with Him, usually about silly little girl things. I also recall that I sang to Him alot; not hymns or church songs, but impromptu praises done very badly albeit sincerely.

Over the years I spoke to Him less, and allowed Him to speak more to me. I've asked Him numerous questions, many of them irritatingly stupid, and He has answered them all with patience and kindness. I've given Him my own opinion of matters, and He has listened patiently without scorn. I've asked Him for advice, guidance, motivation, strength, and even "kicks in the pants". He has never let me down, though He is never as harsh as I imagine I deserve Him to be.

He really is the perfect father. What father wouldn't talk to his child? It seems to be a rhetorical question, but then, so many people believe that the Lord doesn't speak to us today. I hate to think what they're missing.

You see, God wants a relationship with us. He doesn't want to be the omnipotent monster on the mountain who hits us with lightening whenever we get on His nerves. He wants to be our Father. He wants to be "Daddy". Whatever it is one expects of a loving father, we should expect of God. Since He calls Himself, "our Father", it shouldn't seem to be a stretch, but there are those who make it seem so.

Often times, the mention of God speaking to someone is accompanied by a chuckle and suspicions of lunacy. This happens even in churches. Even pastors act this way. What causes a leader of a church to assume that God would not or could not speak to His people? I have no idea. Perhaps it is a leaning unto their own understanding, or perhaps they are following other men, instead of God Himself. Regardless of the reason, they are leading their flocks astray. God is trying to speak to them, and all of their congregations. They just aren't listening.

I have heard Catholics talk about God speaking to them. But beyond that, it appears that only certain individuals here and there are listening for God's voice.

Perhaps it would help those who are trying to listen, but not hearing, to know what they should be listening for. I'll go over that in the next post.

Following God Closely

I have, for the past few years been working on this as a goal. To follow God closely, is to acknowledge His as my Father, and seek His direction in all things. This is, of course, not very easy. We all have minds of our own, and it's in our natures to seek to please ourselves. I am no different.

However, I have come to the inevitable conclusion that if we seek to please ourselves, we will royally foul things up. God has our best interests at heart, like any good father. But more than that, He actually knows everything we want and need along with knowing how it would affect us if we got what we ask for. This is key... Only He knows whether something is good for us. So, when we ask for something, we have to bear in mind that if He says "no", then it really is for the best. God isn't being stifling or stingy. He is just protecting us and making our lives the best they can be. That is, unless we are working against Him. Then, He may just allow us to do our own thing, and see where we end up.

Well, in my desire to follow Him closely, I am constantly praying and asking for guidance. And I'm getting it. He tells me what to do, and I'm going to do it.

This blog is to become part of that. God is going to use it for good for someone. I may never know about it, but that's fine. It isn't for me to control or know. This is God's work, not mine.

So, from here on out, I will be posting as God tells me to. It should be interesting, at least to me.

A New Direction

This blog, (though it's never read, so who really cares?) will be taking an abrupt turn in a new direction.

I have waffled around for a long time trying to get my life in order. Now I have a definite path to take, and I'm going to do it boldly.

I will be keeping the name, since I like it so much, but it will no longer be minutely and dully detailing whatever I happen to be doing at the moment. Like I said, who cares anyway? Anyways, I deleted nearly all of the original posts. No one will miss them.

I kept just a few because they give a slight background to my current course of action. Which is..... (the title of my next post.)