My husband and I were trying for a baby. And in July, we were blessed to discover we were indeed expecting in mid April. I was over-the-moon thrilled, and so was my husband. I did all the usually expectant-mother things, like taking a keen interest in my diet and environment, seeing to it that all was as healthy as could be for the sake of my little one. And I went out and bought baby things, like a tub, and some clothes from a swap meet. We had one appointment with the OB, at 7 weeks, and all was well. I became REALLY tired after that, and needed 12 hours of sleep per night, plus naps. Not only that, I was always nauseated. It was brutal. But, I didn't mind, so long as my baby was healthy and growing.
I was excited but nervous by the time my second OB appointment rolled around this past Wednesday. All of my symptoms had vanished, but I was in hopes that it was because I was nearing the end of the 3rd trimester, at 11 1/2 weeks. I supposed to get to hear the heartbeat. I brought my sons along (ages 7 and 10), because my husband had to sleep. So they were there to witness the doctor frantically searching for the heartbeat for a good 20-25 minutes. (He was determined.) When he gave up, it was only to send me running to get an ultrasound done. Actually they did two of them. And while they informed me that they couldn't tell me anything until they talked to the doctor... and my boys saw the baby on the screen, giving me the "thumbs up" sign when they saw the little arms and legs and such... the tech/nurse's face told me all I didn't want to know. She looked like a woman who was about to have to inform a worried, expectant mother that her baby had no heartbeat.
I was heartbroken, but not at all surprised when she told me the news. She sent me back to my doctor, who told me that I could wait and see if I miscarried naturally, or have a D&E to get it taken care of right away. I have an unreasonable fear of being sedated or knocked out... so I opted for the natural method. He told me I had a month to see if my body would handle it. I won't need a month... My body, once it got the "go ahead" from my brain, began right away. I'm not done yet, the worst is yet to come.
But that's not really what I wanted to write about. Instead this is really about the blessings in it. I know, you're asking, how can a woman who only just found out about her baby's death, a mere 4 days ago, be talking about blessings in miscarriages? How can there be any blessing in it? And four days ago, I would have asked you the same thing. But God is good, and He loves us so much, that He can and does comfort and bless us, even in the midst of what we think of as hell. Let me explain...
The day this all began was difficult for my whole, little family. I couldn't even tell my husband what happened, because I couldn't stop crying long enough to talk. I had to point, and let him guess the worst. Then, he cried with me. My older son cried too, trying to be strong, but finding it impossible.My younger son, however, handled it differently. He focused on me, comforting me whenever and however he could. God chose to use him, and I am so thankful He did. Now, I know my 7 year old son, Ian; how he thinks, what he knows, and how he talks. None of what follows came from his mind. I know it can only have come from God.
Ian came up to me, early on, and gave me a hug, and told me it would be okay. This much I expected... but then he said that God couldn't let the baby come out just yet. Then he said, "Remember so-and-so's friend? He had to have open heart surgery." (Now, this is everything he knows about this subject - that one sentence. But he went on...) "Our baby had a bad heart. And if she had been born, she would have been in and out of hospital, having surgery after surgery. You wouldn't want to have to watch your baby go through that, would you? No. So, God is holding her in His arms right now, and she's just fine. And she'll COME BACK TO YOU. (My emphasis) She'll be the SAME BABY, but with a better body and a stronger heart."
This from a seven year old? That was God putting the words in Ian's heart, to give to me, to comfort me; and I took it. My baby isn't gone, she's just waiting, in God's loving arms, and she'll come back to me when God sends her.
Now, I'm not special. This means that I'm not alone in this. Miscarriages are apparently not the same as the death of an older person. Their soul never got a chance to live, so they simply go back to God, and come back to us a little later on, if we get pregnant again. If you've suffered a miscarriage, or even multiple miscarriages... your baby is not lost, or gone forever. If you had a baby after your miscarriage, that is the baby you miscarried, back where he or she belongs. If you are trying again, know that the little one you are going to have, IS the one you "lost".
Now, this was comforting enough, on it's own. However, after that, God gave me more.
Consider this... What mother, seeing her child in pain, or terribly ill, has not begged God to be allowed to take their pain, and carry their burden for them? Well, we, who have had a miscarriage, have been given that gift. We have to suffer a terrible pain, but our baby does not. We have taken it from them, and bore it ourselves. And we will still get to have them with us later on, but healthier and stronger. This is an amazing blessing, that I can recognize even in the midst of my suffering, and I thank God for every moment of pain that I am bearing for my child.
So, crazy as it sounds... a miscarriage is one of the greatest of blessings, even while it feels like one of the greatest of heartbreaks. I've often wondered how it is possible to thank God in the midst of a trial. Now I know.
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